Guest Post – Pizza By Paul

Before we get started: I’m all about mixing it up here at the buffet – the heading “eating everything and lots of it” is true. And since I’m not quite back on my feet yet after surgery (I am a little, I’m hobbling around, but I’m so exhausted by the time I get home the only thing I want to do is lie down), P jokingly said he’d do a guest post with pizza. Which I thought was a great idea. So without further adieu – here he is!

Manfred Albrecht von Richthofen is credited with 80 confirmed air combat victories during World War I.  Wow… just take a minute to let that sink in… 80 air combat victories.  The man is a legend amongst pilots… like Amelia Earhart only better at the flying part.  Not that I wouldn’t eat a pizza with Amelia Earhart’s picture on the box – I just might not have the same confidence that the pizza would “shoot my taste buds out of the sky” so to speak.  I’d be more likely to think something like “I sure hope this pizza finds its way to my stomach.”

So let’s get started.  There are three rules to making frozen pizza: 1. Don’t pay attention to the directions;  2. Never put yourself in a situation where you might have to clean a pizza pan; 3. Rearrange the toppings.  Outside of these three rules, virtually anything goes.  I once made a frozen pizza on a charcoal grill.

Now, it’s important to look at the directions so you know what not to follow.  Preheat the oven to 400 degrees (not likely).  Place the pizza directly on a preheated cookie sheet (who does that?).  Cook the pizza 16 – 18 minutes (you aren’t the boss of me pizza box instructions!).

I have to admit, 400 degrees is a tempting temperature to cook your pizza, but do any of you think that the Red Baron followed someone else’s rules?  He marched to the beat of his own drum (and the sound of his bullets destroying other planes).  I set the oven to 398 degrees because I like my pizza just a litte cooler… we’ve all burned our mouths on that first bite of pizza, after all.  Also, I don’t wait for the oven to preheat. I don’t have time for that and in my experience (which, when it comes to eating frozen pizza, is considerable), the pizza doesn’t taste any different if you wait those five agonizing minutes.

I also don’t put the pizza directly on a preheated pizza pan.  A layer of aluminum foil = Paul doesn’t have to clean the pizza pan.   Never forget rule #2!   I’ve gone years without cleaning that pan.

Now, I love frozen pizza as much as the next guy, but who in his right mind would put pepperoni on a pizza like that?!  There are going to be slices that barely have any pepperoni at all… I love you Red Baron, but you need to whip your pizza topping placers into shape.

Ah… that’s better.

Don’t forget to measure your pizza.  This pizza is 11 inches in diameter. That’s roughly 34.5 inches around which is pretty close to what it said on the box I think… although I have no idea since I threw the box away immediately after picture three so as not to be influenced further by those misleading directions.

You also need to make sure that your pizza pan isn’t warped.  The last thing you want is for your pizza to be unevenly cooked… nice and level… that’s a solid pizza pan.  Now hurry and get the pizza in the oven before the oven preheats!

While we wait the 14 minutes it takes to cook our pizza, let’s go ahead and grab our plates for thhh…. what’s this!?!  All our dishes are dirty!?

Not to worry, my friends.  Doing dishes is lame and should be avoided at all cost (that’s why Josephine Cochran invented the dishwasher).  Fortunately for me, I have other dishes that were made for holding coffee cups. If you aren’t so lucky, try a paper towel or the lid to something… you’d be surprised how easy it is to make an impromptu plate.

If you’re really bored while you’re waiting for the pizza to cook, get out some of your toys and set them up so it will look like they’re inspecting the pizza when it finally finishes… mmm… Be careful here – you don’t want Yoda to fall onto the pizza. It’s incredibly awkward to get caught licking the grease off of one of your StarWars toys.

That pizza cutter cam was worth every penny… look at how evenly spaced that pepperoni is!

After the cutting is complete, it’s time to dig in – and there’s virtually no clean up thanks to the alluminum foil.  Plus, alumminum foil is biodegradable so it won’t kill seagulls and stuff.

And with that, dinner is served.  At this point, I would recommend seasoning the pizza liberally with red pepper and an Italian Seasoning medley of some kind.  Bon Appetit!

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Tags: Guest Post, Pizza